I moved to London in September 2011 at the age of 22. It was a huge decision as I had lived in the small city of Bath for my entire life and it meant leaving my Mother (who was pregnant with my baby sister at the time) and Gran, both of whom I am very close to. However, I had basically split my time between Bath and London from 2008, I was going to attend a great university, my partner lived in London and I had many friends there so although the move was daunting, I felt that London was the right place for me. I still love London very much, I still believe it is one of the greatest places to live but as the years have gone on I have started to feel I do not belong here. I belong back in Bath and so I have decided that it is time to move home.
I have already written about my battle with anxiety and depression. My mental health is a significant factor in why I want to move back as I feel a lot less anxious when I spend time at home. I do not think it will cure my issues but I do think it will alleviate them. I feel claustrophobic every second of every day when in London, there is nowhere to escape to. Growing up in a small city (Bath should really be a town, it is that small) with countryside on the doorstep but with the facilities and buzz of a city, it is easy to see why such an urban environment would have a negative effect on me. Realistically, I knew I wanted to move back to Bath as early as 2012 but back then I had a lot keeping me here; university and a job at Buckingham Palace which I adored. I tried to make the most out of what I deemed to be a very difficult situation and I have repeatedly attempted different things to turn it around. However, earlier this year I reached breaking point and I realised that my homesickness had creeped into every area of my life and I simply did not want to be here. Although I had known deep down for a while, admitting it out loud was difficult. I have a massive fear of failure and these past few years I have felt like the biggest failure in the world. My mental health issues had overtaken everything and going home to me felt like I had let everyone down, including myself.
Then a funny thing happened; I decided to entertain the idea of going home. It had always felt like I ‘couldn’t’ go back and what would people think of me if I did? But I realised it did not matter what anyone else thought of the decision, it wasn’t theirs to make. I know I have given my all to try to thrive in London and it was not my fault that it had not worked out. The people who mattered would understand that and those who didn’t would either come around or they did not really have my best interests at heart. Life is too short to be somewhere you do not want to be and ultimately you need to do what is right and healthy for you. Once I had decided that going back to Bath was not something to be ashamed of, the decision was made and I felt a massive relief, like a massive weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
A few days after, I went home for a few days and it solidified my decision. Yes it was going to be difficult to leave; emotionally and logistically but just because something is difficult doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be done. The hard decisions in life make you who you are. You just have to trust yourself, you know what is best for you. I am no longer scared, I know I can make everything work and for the first time in a very long time, I feel in control, I feel brave. I should be moving at the beginning of June. I am sorting out job applications and also university. I will be moving back to my home village and living temporarily with my Gran. I am excited to be able to be closer to my friends and family. I am thrilled I will be across the road from my sister. I cannot wait to be able to take my puppy for walks along the canal. So many things that I have not been able to do due to anxiety and depression. I know my life is about to change and I am so so ready.
I know this has been a bit of a random personal post from me but I had been wanting to write about it for a while. Normal feminism/beauty posts should resume for my next post 🙂
Until the next time,
Kaylee 🙂
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